I started this blog as an outlet to force myself to be honest and process difficult thoughts, a kind of you-can-run-but-you-can't-hide-journal. I'm not sure that's what it still is. I enjoy writing in it, I think it has been useful to me in a number of ways--it's helped me organize my thoughts and I think it's improved my thinking and probably improved my writing in some ways. But I'm writing less and less about the things that are wrong with me. I don't think I'm being less honest than I intended, but I'm probably being honest about different things than I should be honest about in order to help myself. On a certain level I think I've started to try to impress the people I imagine reading when I write a post, which is not what I want to be doing. I want to use this as a forum to face the hard things I've been avoiding, not another way to avoid them and feel better a out myself.
The overwhelming elephant in the room that I'm trying in various ways not to confront is my atrocious physical health. I'm in real physical danger due to my unchecked obesity and I've failed for years to honestly address it. If I don't take real, drastic action now then I'm playing Russian Roulette with my life, and by extension the lives of my family and everyone who loves me.
I'm taking real steps, starting today, to get serious about my health. I'm approaching it with an open mind and a dedication to rigor and discipline. I'm probably going to be writing a lot more grumpy and boring posts about food urges and how hard it is to force myself to excercise in the next few weeks, is my point, and less long-winded whimsical meditations on family and the meaning of work. So I apologize in advance if it gets boring.
Love the blog. Love the writing. Inspired by the honesty.
ReplyDeleteGood luck as you start a new chapter.
I know what you're talking about...I started the blog hoping to expose my vulnerabilities and unleash my demons, sort of like a cheaper, more convenient substitute for a shrink. But as more and more people I knew started to read it, I found myself too embarrassed to write about how I really felt/behaved. And as even more time has passed, it's almost become a diary/photo album and the few entries I do bother to write about my struggles, it's more in a way that encourages self congratulation and/or praise. I've been trying to get back to my original intention, so thank you for reminding of that.
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