I had a bit of breakthrough this weekend in my quest to better understand what's really driving my own negative behavioral patterns, aided in large part by a friend who reached out and shared some incredible insights. And while I feel a certain relief at a glimpse of clarity, I'm also completely fucking terrified by it. This little experiment I've been engaging in with myself is starting to get pretty godamned serious, and I think I'm really approaching put-up-or-shut-up-time. This promise I've made to myself to tell the truth, to report what I think I see and by doing ask the universe for help is bearing fruit in it's own way, and it's not an experiment any more. It's shaking something fundamental loose from my consciousness and I'm getting a glimpse of how serious that is, how much work it will really take to see it through, how high the stakes are. And I freaked myself out.
So today I'm trying to take deep breaths and take it all in. Today my goal has been a simple one: be aware of my choices. Say this sentence in your head: I am hungry because I feel vulnerable. I am hungry because I feel overwhelmed. I am hungry because I want to escape this task in front of me. I am hungry because it's lunchtime and I haven't eaten since breakfast. Oh, wait, ok, eat. Now where were we? I am hungry because I'm not used to having turkey and brown rice for lunch and my mouth doesn't believe this is all it gets. I am hungry because all this thinking about why I'm hungry is making me fucking hungry. Take a walk. I'm hungry because I just took a walk and I want to reward myself. Ok, eat an apple. I am hungry because that apple tasted like shit. I am hungry because WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY. I am hungry because being hungry reminds me that I am who I am. I am hungry because I am overwhelmed.
Ok. Ok. Ok. I am hungry today. Ok.
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