Somewhere Else

Back from paradise. I can't say I completely maintained a healthy lifestyle on our 10 day Hawaiian jaunt, but I didn't completely lose control either. I started out strong but by the end of the trip I was indulging in teriyaki beef and macadamia nuts and two days into the mainland return I'm struggling to pull myself back onto the wagon. I don't feel like applying rigor and mindfulness to my habits, I'm tired and still half in vacation mode and I'm craving a jolt of energy, fun, adventure, edge. I'm not ready to come home and start acting like a grown-up again. How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house!

Except that it is. And I love it. 

I'm just drifty and wistful. I had a disturbing dream the other night in which I was saving an abandoned baby from a crackhouse and giving a eulogy at a friend's funeral wearing only my bathrobe. I haven't been able to shake the feeling it left in me for the past few days. Hopeless and resigned and distant, the kind of sadness that is a prelude to detachment, like a shake of the head, a shrug of the shoulders, a "what are you gonna do?"

I don't want to get old. I don't want to watch myself from up on high. I don't want to shake my head in resigned bemusement. I want to be here, where I am. I don't like feeling this way. I think I need to get really drunk.