In Dependence

I've now gotten through a solid two weeks of not eating like a 10 year old let loose at a fried cheese buffet, and though I've definitely hit ups and downs it feels like I've stabilized a bit. My appetite has adjusted, finally, to the portions and frequency of my dining, which is just a way of saying I'm not completely starving all the fucking time, though I'm still far from satiated. I haven't exercised much, at least not in a methodical or organized way, but I have made a point to walk more and consciously be more active in my daily life. I've lost a bit of weight, but I'm trying not to focus on that, both because I know it's easy to drop pounds when you first start and because I want to remind myself that I'm doing this as a lifestyle change, not a game to hit a certain number. I've even gotten through a few social settings without throwing myself off-track, and have managed the trick of moderate temporary indulgence followed by a quick return to mindful food management. So far so good, in other words.

But here's the thing: my routine is about to get thrown way off track. It's a holiday weekend, for one thing, and my next few days will be littered with food-filled get-togethers and friends in from out of town, all of which are big triggers for me to move into celebratory-cum-nihilism-life's-too-short-let's-savor-its-sweet-nectars mode. Even more daunting is our upcoming trip to Hawaii, a scant 9 days away, which stands as a much-needed respite from our busy, hectic schedules. It's a relaxation measure, in other words, and this kid just don't know how to relax without a bag of chips or an extra-large pizza. I suppose I could try to score a big bag of weed on the island, but ultimately that would just exacerbate my desire for the aforementioned items. It's sad, but it's absolutely true, and I'm trying not to freak out about it. My wife is fully supportive of this lifestyle change and certainly will not introduce any temptation, and we're going to be spending a significant amount of time with two of our best friends, who understand probably better than anyone else I know the struggle I'm facing. So that provides a modicum of comfort, a quantum of solace if you will, but I can't say I'm brimming with confidence that I'll survive the trip with my new lifestyle intact. As I said before, I'm trying to eat like a normal person, and even normal people throw caution to the wind when they spend a week lounging on the beach and sipping Mai Tais.

So I guess it's time to get past the normal-person stage. My relationship to food is far from normal, in truth, and if I'm going to make this work I have to accept and adjust to that fact. I need to put some measures in place and be diligent about continuing on this path, and I think I will. I believe I can. But it ain't going to get any easier.