I Want You to Hit Me as Hard as You Can

I haven't written much this week, even though I initially vowed to write something every day. If I had stuck to that vow the last few days you would have seen posts that look like this:

l[FJKHASEL'FKAJSDF[OKASJF[OASIFNAS[ODKVM AW[IODJSVAWDF;LASKDFJASL[DKFJASDLFKJAS
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKASDFJASDL;KFJASDFLKAJSDFAL;SKJDOIKKKOPLLKJN454LKJ!!!!????!!!!!!!!

...because that's more or less how I've been feeling. I've been struggling to stay on the straight and narrow and keep my mind right, and it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I haven't been able to focus, I haven't been able to carry on particularly meaningful conversations, and I've wanted to beat the living shit out of everyone I know at one point or another, most significantly including myself, Edward-Norton-in-Fight-Club-style.

Now, on Friday afternoon, I feel like I've achieved something monumental because I've gotten through five straight days without a cheeseburger or a candy bar or a coke or a piece of pizza or a bowl of ice cream or a burrito or an Egg McMuffin or a donut or...

You get the picture. All I've really done this week is eat food like a normal person. That's it. I haven't really exercised, I'm not counting calories or fat or keeping a food journal, I'm not making sure I get enough greens or fruit and not too much starch and all that. I'm just not eating really bad things that I really like, and I'm not eating too much of anything. And that alone has been enough to completely alter my reality and throw my mind and body into utter turmoil. That just shows how far gone I've been for the past few years and how much I have left to do.

But I'm a little closer, this week, to getting where I want to be. I'm closer than I was last week. I haven't defeated my demons, but I've decided fight them, and that's something. The casualties of that battle this week, in no particular order, were: my peace of mind, my productivity, my ability to see anything but the absolute worst in everyone I encounter, my ability to get a full night's sleep and my ability to provide the necessary emotinal care and feeding to my family.

So here's to next week.