Idiot Wind

"Oh the wind is lashing lustily
And the trees are thrashing thrustily
And the leaves are rustling gustily
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubtedly
It looks like a rather blustery day, today
It sounds that it may turn out to be
Feels that it will undoubtedly
Looks like a rather blustery day today."
--Winnie the Pooh

Today is not one of those days where I remind myself to see the good in everything and look up at the sky and smile. Today is another kind of day. A curl up on the couch and lick your wounds kind of day. Except I'm not doing that either. I'm not sure what I'm doing, really. Walking around as if everything makes sense, I guess. Showing up. Sometimes that's the best you can do.

The rare Southern California wind is blowing mightily, and I don't expect it to offer any answers. T minus two days until I am officially unemployed, and still uncertain about what comes next in a practical sense. I have never been able to stand the in-between days of my life, the not knowing, the neither here nor there. It's both a strength and a weakness, this aversion to being unmoored, and I recognize it as such. It's also, far too often, an excuse to give in to my own worst instincts and throw myself a pity party, which I'm not going to do this time.

I've been doing really well facing this transition so far, if I do say so myself. Focusing on the positive, plotting my moves in a level-headed fashion, seeing recent events as an opportunity to take control of things and structure my life and my thoughts in the right way. And I still have that attitude, all those things are still true. But today...ah, I don't know. Today I feel small, and weak, and a little bit useless. Expendable, I guess. Fuck that.

I think I need to get a little mad, actually. I need to rage a little bit, get it out of my system, feel some kind of stake in some kind of battle. Apologies in advance to whoever crosses my path today, and apologies in arrears to those who already have. Sometimes a brother's just got to work some shit out.