"Oh the wind is lashing lustily
And the trees are thrashing thrustily
And the leaves are rustling gustily
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubtedly
It looks like a rather blustery day, today
It sounds that it may turn out to be
Feels that it will undoubtedly
Looks like a rather blustery day today."
--Winnie the Pooh
Today is not one of those days where I remind myself to see the good in everything and look up at the sky and smile. Today is another kind of day. A curl up on the couch and lick your wounds kind of day. Except I'm not doing that either. I'm not sure what I'm doing, really. Walking around as if everything makes sense, I guess. Showing up. Sometimes that's the best you can do.
The rare Southern California wind is blowing mightily, and I don't expect it to offer any answers. T minus two days until I am officially unemployed, and still uncertain about what comes next in a practical sense. I have never been able to stand the in-between days of my life, the not knowing, the neither here nor there. It's both a strength and a weakness, this aversion to being unmoored, and I recognize it as such. It's also, far too often, an excuse to give in to my own worst instincts and throw myself a pity party, which I'm not going to do this time.
I've been doing really well facing this transition so far, if I do say so myself. Focusing on the positive, plotting my moves in a level-headed fashion, seeing recent events as an opportunity to take control of things and structure my life and my thoughts in the right way. And I still have that attitude, all those things are still true. But today...ah, I don't know. Today I feel small, and weak, and a little bit useless. Expendable, I guess. Fuck that.
I think I need to get a little mad, actually. I need to rage a little bit, get it out of my system, feel some kind of stake in some kind of battle. Apologies in advance to whoever crosses my path today, and apologies in arrears to those who already have. Sometimes a brother's just got to work some shit out.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Couldn't Call It Unexpected
About a week and a half ago I had a really bad day.
Not a horrible day. Not even a day that ranks in my top ten worst days of all time. Nobody I love died or was diagnosed with anything or went insane or decided they didn't love each other. Nothing happened to my children, or my wife. My foundation was not shaken in any real way.
But this is what did happen: I lost my job, more or less, through no fault of my own. In a couple of weeks I, like 9.5% of the American workforce, will be unemployed. And that's not great news.
I'm not going to go into the details, for a lot of reasons, but suffice it to say that while I was of course extremely saddened by the situation, it also wasn't entirely unexpected nor, I honestly believe, is it entirely a bad thing. I've spent 4 hours a day in my car for the last eight months, arriving home to sleeping children and an exhausted wife far, far too many nights, and not entirely clear where the career path I had chosen was leading. I think, now, that I know exactly what I want and how I want to get there, which is something I definitely didn't know eight months ago. I'm grateful for that realization and believe I can put it to use, one way or the other.
So I haven't been blogging much lately. Instead, I've been "processing" this development, and preparing for whatever may come next. I've been updating my resume and writing cover letters and having lots of conversations with lots of people about lots of things. I've been trying not to panic, and, for now at least, pretty much succeeding. I haven't been second-guessing my choices, or wondering what would have happened if I hadn't made certain decisions at certain points in time. I've been telling myself the truth, which is that I'm extremely grateful for this professional experience, that I knew when it started it was an experiment. Sooner of later it would have been time for me to take the lessons I've learned and move on to the next thing, and it turns out that time is now.
Of course that realization is always easier when it's not being forced on you by circumstance, but that's the way life works sometimes. Most of the time, actually, in my experience. And I would like to have the strength, grace and confidence to recognize that reality and take it for what it is.
I read somewhere recently that when you boil it down, every decision we make is essentially a choice between hope and fear. Surely that's an oversimplification, but I find the notion appealing. I know, for certain, that I have chosen fear far too many times in my life, and I would like not to do that anymore. I would like have the strength to choose hope.
I don't intend to write about this much from now on, but it's an elephant in my particular room and I couldn't keep this blog going if I didn't at least express and process the news here to some degree. So there it is. Onward and upward.
Not a horrible day. Not even a day that ranks in my top ten worst days of all time. Nobody I love died or was diagnosed with anything or went insane or decided they didn't love each other. Nothing happened to my children, or my wife. My foundation was not shaken in any real way.
But this is what did happen: I lost my job, more or less, through no fault of my own. In a couple of weeks I, like 9.5% of the American workforce, will be unemployed. And that's not great news.
I'm not going to go into the details, for a lot of reasons, but suffice it to say that while I was of course extremely saddened by the situation, it also wasn't entirely unexpected nor, I honestly believe, is it entirely a bad thing. I've spent 4 hours a day in my car for the last eight months, arriving home to sleeping children and an exhausted wife far, far too many nights, and not entirely clear where the career path I had chosen was leading. I think, now, that I know exactly what I want and how I want to get there, which is something I definitely didn't know eight months ago. I'm grateful for that realization and believe I can put it to use, one way or the other.
So I haven't been blogging much lately. Instead, I've been "processing" this development, and preparing for whatever may come next. I've been updating my resume and writing cover letters and having lots of conversations with lots of people about lots of things. I've been trying not to panic, and, for now at least, pretty much succeeding. I haven't been second-guessing my choices, or wondering what would have happened if I hadn't made certain decisions at certain points in time. I've been telling myself the truth, which is that I'm extremely grateful for this professional experience, that I knew when it started it was an experiment. Sooner of later it would have been time for me to take the lessons I've learned and move on to the next thing, and it turns out that time is now.
Of course that realization is always easier when it's not being forced on you by circumstance, but that's the way life works sometimes. Most of the time, actually, in my experience. And I would like to have the strength, grace and confidence to recognize that reality and take it for what it is.
I read somewhere recently that when you boil it down, every decision we make is essentially a choice between hope and fear. Surely that's an oversimplification, but I find the notion appealing. I know, for certain, that I have chosen fear far too many times in my life, and I would like not to do that anymore. I would like have the strength to choose hope.
I don't intend to write about this much from now on, but it's an elephant in my particular room and I couldn't keep this blog going if I didn't at least express and process the news here to some degree. So there it is. Onward and upward.
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